A six-year-old boy slapped his cousin in the face because she did not pay attention to him. I approached this child and told him that he can choose to use words to express himself instead of using force.

I stressed that our hands are not for hitting. The two children who were with me at that time started offering ideas on how they should use their hands. Children who live with violence will learn to destroy and humiliate, while those who live with peace learn to love and tolerate others.

It is sad to note that many parents and teachers today are still in favour of corporal punishment. They argue that a bit of pain inflicted upon these young bodies will teach them to mind those in authority. They claim that their children are not scarred by physical punishment but have become better people because they were taught properly by the painful reminders. 

The truth is far from this. The emotional scars may manifest themselves in later life when they become adults who uphold contradictory moral principles such as to destroy and protect at the same time. These are the adults who believe that only violence can purge the wrong and make it right.

A caregiver was overheard saying to her young charges, “Aiyoh! Now I cannot scold you or beat you. What am I going to do with you? How to teach you anything?” She had just been told that she should try using non-punitive alternatives to discipline the children. It was her way of grudgingly accepting something she does not believe in. 

Ironically, as we protest against how world peace is being threatened by invasions, terrorist attacks and economic sanctions, we are still handling the conflicts at home using force and violence instead of carrying out peaceful conflict resolutions.

We often misinterpret children’s negative behaviour as errors that must be instantly corrected. We practise the rule that the weak must obey the strong when it comes to dealing with our children.

Like the forces in the world, we do not trust that the child is capable and good. We choose to use our own ideas and impose them on our children. We leave no room for the child to develop his potential from within, which can only happen in a nurturing environment. From the time the child is born, his parents control when he should sleep and for how long, when and how much he should eat. By the time he can walk and talk, his parents have decided what he should learn. The child has to suppress his needs to do what his parents want of him.

Peaceful parenting means helping children to take responsibility for their actions. Parents should not take control of their children’s behaviour but allow them to have control over their behaviour.

Instead of making them submit to our will, we should let them learn how to use their will to contribute positively to the lives of others. Parents act as children’s guides. They should let go bit by bit as the child grows older and wiser.

When children are allowed to be themselves, they will reveal their true potential. It will not spoil them. If you want to know how to care for your baby, take cues from him. He will give you signals when he is hungry or tired.

Give to your child what nature has intended. Mother’s milk is the best and there is no better substitute. Work your schedule around your child’s needs and not vice versa. A child whose needs are met will grow healthy and happy.

Peaceful parenting is about helping your toddler develop a sense of self by defining boundaries that work for him. When your child is a toddler, there will be many moments when you say “No” to him. His antics will also test your patience. Instead of responding negatively, you can show him all the things that he can do safely and respectfully. 

Children learn more from guidance than punishment. Every child, as Maria Montessori reminded us, needs to grow up “with a healthy spirit, a strong character and a clear intellect”. 

How do we make sure this will happen for our children? The answer is clear. We need to put away our prejudices and misconceptions of children. We must start by embracing the goodness in the child that is revealed to us little by little as he grows.

Observe carefully how your child shows his love to you and marvel at his ability to bring joy into your life without much effort. When he gets overwhelming for you and you are angry, you must teach him the right way to behave. You must still love him at his worst behaviour.