CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

There are ways to discipline without using the cane.

A SIX-year-old boy told me that his mother used to cane him when he was naughty. His mother is a single parent with a physical disability. He was a very bright boy with a friendly disposition. 

Upon hearing his plight, I told him: “You can stay away from your mother when she brings out the cane. Apologise to her and then keep away.”

He replied: “I know my mother is very angry with me. I think she feels better if I let her hit me.” Upon hearing those words, my heart went out to him.

Later, I had a long discussion with his mother. She eventually understood that she did not have to use the cane. We discussed the use of other alternatives to discipline children. She also needed someone to listen to her parenting woes. I realised she was trying her best to raise him well.

Many parents like this single parent need support in understanding their children. Parents fear that they are spoiling their children if they are not tough with them.

One mother declared that children would only stop misbehaving when they had experienced the cane. To her, children would never learn if they were not punished for their misdeeds. This is only a short-term solution.

Between the ages of two and six, children learn through their senses and through physical activities. They imitate adult behaviour but they are limited by their lack of experience and maturity. They will make mistakes before they get it right. They get frustrated easily because they want to do everything at the same time. Knowing this, adults should have reasonable expectations of them.

The magic to making it good with children at this age is to understand their developmental needs. Children do not automatically know what is right or wrong. They need parents to lovingly guide them with words of encouragement. Parents need to make an effort to take up their responsbility to teach and not to punish.

If parents look for faults in children, this can lead to more behavioural problems. Children need to be accepted for their strengths and weaknesses. They will be more willing to work harder when they feel loved and secure.

Take a step back and let children learn to control their behaviour as much as possible. When we correct our children all the time, we do not trust them to learn to do the right things for themselves. Many parents see discipline as an opportunity to release tension or take revenge. Children are often confused by their parents’ actions.

It is hard for the child to feel loved when he is spanked and yelled at. Parents who act harshly usually end up feeling estranged from their children because they feel guilty and ashamed.

A parent may tell his child: “I punish you because I love you. It is for your own good.” If this came from the mouth of an abusive spouse, we would condemn it without hesitation, calling it spousal abuse.

When parents teach children with love, they tend to use the right words and actions. This is more likely to last and the parent-child bond is stronger. In many families, children learn quickly how to avoid punishment, but they do not really know the right thing to do.

Parents would threaten their children for misbehaving by saying: “Don’t let me catch you doing this again or I will give you a good one.” This approach only makes the child stay away from his parents so that he does not get punished.

An angry parent can choose to move away so that she can calm down before facing the child. This way, the parent will not lose face; instead she will be setting a positive example. It is always helpful to think before acting. Parents can impress on their children their positive values when they choose to use non-punitive ways. More is gained when there is less hurting in children’s lives.