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Children My nine years old son is very rude My 9-year-old son has a very good attitude and behaviour when my husband is around. But when it comes to me, he is very rude and does not even respect me. Sometimes I feel very sad and scared. What do I need to do? Is it because I have pampered him too much? Please advise me. When I complain about this to my husband, he always says that I am the one who spoils the kids.

Answer

Answered by Woo Our children are very observant of little beings. They know if we discipline them differently from other people as well as whether we follow through with our instructions. Traditionally some parents practice the bad and good parenting style; mommy is the good parent who praises and let their child do whatever they like and daddy is the bad parent – the one who disciplines the kids. However, we now know that this parenting style sometimes may work against us as children quickly realise when to manipulate their parents.

You and your husband may have to evaluate whether you are both using similar parenting styles. Both parents must come to a compromise on the way you would like to bring up your children. It is best to avoid playing the "good and bad parent". Rather, it is best that both parents praise as well as discipline your son when the need arises. You and your husband need to work out the consequences to be given to your son when he is rude to you. Both of you would need to tell your son specifically – what behaviours are considered rude. Do select a few rude behaviours to work on initially so that it is not too overwhelming for you and your son to deal with. At the same time, remember to choose consequences that you can carry through.

When you initially carry out these consequences, be prepared that your son will retaliate strongly especially if he is not used to you disciplining him. Persevere and when your son understands that mommy has a new rule, and that she follows through with her instructions, his rude behaviour should reduce. At the same time, do praise him when he is behaving well. A good parent is one who can balance the act of noticing and praising good behaviours and setting appropriate limits with their children. Being a parent can be challenging but with perseverance and support, we become better at it.

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Jamilah Samian and Ahmad Fakhri Hamzah

Jamilah and husband Ahmad Fakhri are professional trainers, Neuro-Linguistic Programming practitioners and authors. Jamilah has written Cool Mum Super Dad, Cool Boys Super Sons and, together with Ahmad Fakhri, The Groovy Guide to Parenting Gen Y and Z. The couple has six children.
Prof Dr Eric Lim

Prof Lim is the founder of the Kits4Kids Foundation. He has a PhD in Educational Management, Master of Education and Bachelor of Special Education focusing on special education, and a Masters in Psychology focusing on child psychology and counselling.
Dentist Dr Alida Mahyuddin

Dr Alida is a senior lecturer and specialist in Paediatric Dentistry at the Faculty of Dentistry, UKM. She is also the Visiting Consultant at the Department of Oral & Maxillofacial Surgery, UKM Medical Centre, and a committee member of the Global Children Dental Health taskforce.
Paediatrician Dr. Hon Mun Cheng

Dr Hon is trained in paediatrics, infectious disease, nephrology and neonatology. The mother of two now practices in a private clinic.
Midwife Ann Ibrahim

Ann has been practising midwifery for over a decade now. Having completed her degree, she worked in Britain for a spell and then returned to her homeland Malaysia.
Psychologist Woo Pei Jun

Woo is a developmental psychologist who has studied and worked in Malaysia and the United States. Her areas of research have involved cross cultural issues related to eating disorders amongst Asians, mental health and behavioural problems amongst children and youth in Malaysia.
Fitness guru Debbra Lee

Lee is certified through the Royal Society of Arts (RSA) from Britain, with specialty certification in pregnancy and postnatal fitness by the YMCA (Britain). She has been conducting pre and post-natal classes for many years. She is the proprietor of Fit For 2 cafe, Kuala Lumpur.
Obstetrician / Gynaecologist Dr Ng Kok Chong

Dr Ng was a lecturer at Universiti Malaya. He is currently a consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist at private clinic. His sub-speciality is infertilty.
Consultant Paediatrician Dr. Yong Junina

Dr Yong Junina is a consultant paediatrician at Klinik Pakar Kanak-Kanak Junina, Mutiara Damansara, and visiting paediatric cardiologist at Darul Ehsan Medical Centre, Shah Alam and Hospital UKM. She is also a visiting lecturer for the department of ? paediatrics, faculty of medicine, UKM.